LIFE IN THE SLOW LANE

By Greg Evans

There is little that I find more obnoxious and annoying than those people who sit at a light that has turned green when you already have your foot on the gas and they just sit there and you wonder to yourself what in the hell is the problem up there? Get moving or Get off the road! I grew up in the New York area and so I lay on the horn which down here in the Great Smokey Mountains drives the locals mad. They flip me off and wildly wave and bang their heads on the steering wheel and shout and spit and point shotguns out the windows at me, and carry on like hippos on crank. Everyday I have to wake up early and get out on the road and commute to my job somewhere near Covington I think. I can't stand lousy road etiquette and I am so sensitive to the tailgating, middle fingers, lack of blinker use, lack of headlights in the rain or snow or especially at night, the dirty cars, the cigarettes tossed from windows, the fast food wrappers tossed from windows, the uncouth, probably unbathed  people driving the jalopies who take up multiple parking spots, the speeders and unmercifully slow drivers, those who drag their dead asses in the fast lane or use the fast lane as a lane instead of a passing lane like they do on the Audobon in Germany. They hold up rush hour with their stupid accidents. I fully understand the impulsive nonsense that turns regular little league coach dads and soccer moms into ruthless batterers and overnight felons, the infamous road rage incident. We read about them all the time, the people who finally become fed up with their fellow human brethren and beat the living hell out of them after they are cut off while trying to exit the freeway or their parking spot is stolen at IHOP. Oh yes, and what about the drunken drivers?? What do you think you are superman? You think you are somehow special, God's gift to the world? The only schmuck on the road who can drink like an underage teenager in a night club and stay in your lane? Speaking of teenagers they shouldn't give out licenses to kids until they are 21 unless they enlist in the military they can get their license at 18. Illegal immigrants shouldn't be allowed on the road at all, they drive worse then the teenagers and those that do get behind the wheel and get caught should simply be put before the firing squad. Maybe then they will see that we aren't kidding.

I have never been in a car accident, not even a fender bender and I don't have to knock on wood despite the fact that I am very superstitious. The fact that I have never been in an accident is not because of luck or the Grace of God, even though I do have a strong relationship with God, it is because I don't trust anybody else on the road and I am extremely careful and aware of my surroundings while on the road at all times. I'd be an equally successful driver in Bolivia. I have very little patience for other people though I try to be as courteous as I can even though 98% of the time people don't show me the same courtesy. Though rarely a day goes by that I don't wish I was driving a tank convertible that I could casually roll my way to where I need to go, never having to worry about the unsychronized traffic lights or red lights that last four minutes, longer then Super Bowl commercials for heavens sake. One certainty we will always have is that the roads will always be filled with wretched sloppy drivers that should be shuttled to their jobs as Krispy Kreme donut tasters. Even if the world consisted of golf cart only communities like The Villages near Ocala, Florida, you'd have the bad golf cart etiquette and want to bash their taillights with a five iron. It annoys me just thinking about it. The people who argue against guns and try to pass laws against people driving with their guns are the same people who cut you off on the highway and then flip you the bird. Those freaks who then run to the poll and vote against guns so they can abuse the highways and the law abiding, courteous drivers who would think nothing of dragging you into the weeds and beating you to within an inch of your life. I know there are others out there like me. I have seen you on the roads and we share a nod of recognition. The gun owners out there, the God fearing gun owners are the safest drivers on the road and everyone of us are out of patience. We are tired of all the burnouts wrecking the road ways. Tired of it and all this has risen my blood pressure and I feel like I'm about to breakout in hives.