THE SOUTHAMPTON FACTOR

The Southampton factor is that variable that defines a generation.

The fake smiles at the parties and the small talk about all those sultry, "exciting" girls only trips and boys only trips to semi-exotic places where the image barely covers the cheap reality. The one-night stand sex romps may be thrilling for the first five minutes, the walk of shame even more thrilling, but then the trip back home to the dumb puppy on the other end of the text message eliminates any flicker of a happening time. "How was your all-girls weekend?"
                 "Oh it was just swell honey, just swell."
                  You know where the road ends and the cliff begins. It all starts with the illusion of how it is supposed to be. You jump off the speeding train of destiny and take a look at the dismal day-to-day life of secrets, and suspicions and quickly get dressed up and run off to the hipster club to justify your existence with $25.00 martinis. All to each's own. Maybe it is the trip with the girls to Fiji to compliment each other on their ordinary existences. The problem is that the answer to understanding why it all doesn't quite pan out is a two-way street but one of those directions I can shed some light on. For guys, what is the pebble in the shoe.

THE SOUTHAMPTON FACTOR:

1) Cuddling
Let us begin with the fungus of all relationships, the "cuddling" factor. Nothing more ridiculous or nauseating. It is a concept created by the feminist movement to emasculate the male population and turn them into whimpering minnows. The problem lies in the illusion I'm afraid. No! Men don't like or want to cuddle. They only do it because they think it may lead to sex. Early on it does, but as the relationship spans months to years and inevitably..."forever,"it just becomes a nuisance. Men grow extremely uncomfortable when asked questions for example, "Honey, do you like to cuddle?" They are uncomfortable because they don't want to be denied sex. Women in most relationships have all the control by denying the man sex. If they get horny they just go out on an all-girls night and pick up some barfly for a quickie in the caravan. Sounds sexist? The majority of infidelity is committed by the women so all you women who are offended are probably the ones having the affairs. I have seen it a thousand times. The guilty shriek the loudest or at least the guiltiest minds. You may not have actually gone through with the actual intercourse, but you have seriously thought about it and even imagined it while having sex with your "significant" other. I am not saying the guys in the woman's lives are angels, far from, most are lurid scum bags but I am not using the woman's perspective. One day I just might give it a shot and I probably won't be all that far off.

2) Sleeping in the same bed
Girls, listen closely. No man wants to have to sleep in the same bed with someone else all night being kicked and breathed on, punched in the ribs and accused of snoring too loudly and regularly being woken up and told to "shut up already." It is a barbaric practice that developed out of

3) Date Nights
What is the point of "the date night." Keep the kids at home so we can go out and stare into each other's eyes over a sodium rich meal doused in trans-fat that is overpriced and pretend that everything is so great and we are so young again and hip without kids. Shun the kids and leave them with the help. It is so 21st century. Being a loose young adult is the new vintage.

4) Making Love
Sex is far overrated and the root cause of many a complication. Making love, a term I have never fully understood. Keep it to once a year or once every six months at the most and you'll be just fine. Take all that pent up energy and put it toward some hobby. You will find the devotion to something other than three minutes of awkward grunting undeniably satisfying. This mad humping frenzy like ferrets is causing the minds of todays world even more trouble then they'd bargained for. Throw in the chemicals in the food, the daycare center replacing parents and "core education" and there is no wonder we have the world we do.

5) Soul Mate
The whole idea of a soul mate is as absurd as love at first sight. There is no such thing as a soul mate and no man actually believes that nonsense. Love at first sight also doesn't even exist in cartoon fairytales as their world's always fall apart.

6) "You don't think I'm pretty anymore."
There has never been a statement that has cause more non-alcoholic retching then the dreaded, "You don't think I'm pretty anymore." Most times when such a statement is uttered it is because the girl has gone down hill faster than a mobile meth lab and the guy does everything in his power to keep from having to listen to unbearable nagging and self-pity. The fireworks in all relationships come to a sputtering end. It is inevitable and takes the starry eyed by surprise every time. Nature has a way of putting up the blinders on most people. So caught up in the moment, the new sex, the new jokes, the lack of nagging (because at first everyone puts on their good face). All the streamers and confetti dissipates and left is the mess to clean up but who is going to do the cleaning. Ah, yes, the real world has finally shown it's ugly face. You get home from a hard day in the grind and little wifey doesn't want to put out and her fast food dinner sucked, and the reality TV shows make you want to slit your wrists and she lays beside you in that tiny bed and asks you why you don't like her anymore and you want to go drown yourself in the toilet but the hope that maybe in a week or so you'll get some leaves you meek and giving her the callous responses.

7) THE FLING
Girls out there who think they are so hip and sneaky and sexy because some drunk in a bar gives you a poke, you are a cliche. "The Fling" happens so often that you can pretty much expect that sooner or later it is going to happen to you in your relationship because the truth of the matter is that people can bored, they get tired to the everyday, tired of the same salami on a mini roll and think that something else out there is the ticket to paradise. Unfortunately people are people and the next one eventually turns out to have numerous flaws, some similar to yours and some different but enough of them to drive the girl shit crazy and she goes looking for the next fling. In some cases it is only a one-time fling and in even rarer cases there is never a fling. But don't count your lucky stars because more than likely it is going to happen to you and you will be shocked and hurt and damaged and you may even lash out and slash her tires which would be stupid because then you'll end up in the big house as some big neck tattooed gang member's newest fling. Guys if you catch the girl having a fling, then great! That is your ticket out of the dreaded relationship. Don't blow up, don't get mad, don't get even, just leave. Free as a bird.

There are many people out there who will disagree wholeheartedly with the factors listed above. It is a list that is a WIP. You out there that disagree will become one of the statistics, one of the 75% divorce rate, though it is more like 88%. Nearly all the relationships I come across are tense, forced, real loyalty on the edge, loss of idealism, annoying, and caught up in all the nonsense they believe is supposed to create a relationship. A relationship is forged on a mutual understanding and compromise. A first date should never be over an expensive dinner with candles and wine. It should be done while performing house work or grueling yard work or taking care of sick children. That is where you really get to see who a person really is and what they will be like. I like to call it the 30-day test. How are they after thirty days of mundane real-life with no sex. Are they still showing up or are they blowing you off for the "fun." Give it a shot.